


You Win

by mellowhollow



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asphyxiation, Awkwardness, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insanity, Love, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Drift, Self-Hatred, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellowhollow/pseuds/mellowhollow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann listens to the tape recording from the first drift. Newt looses his mind. They finally get together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_“Now I know what a ghost is. Unfinished business, that's what.”_

Salman Rushdie

Newt opened his mouth to speak but for once had no idea what to say. His hand slid under his glasses to press against the sharp pain radiating from his cheek. Tiny lights bounced across his eyes and his head was throbbing. _What happened?_ One moment he was leading Hermann down the hall and the next he was falling backwards onto the hard floor.

Hermann loomed above him, hands shaking and lips pressed down into an unforgiving frown. He buried his free hand into his pocket and pulled out the tape recorder Newt had used in the first drift. It dropped into Newt’s lap with a soft thud.

“You win, Newton.” was all Hermann said before turning and disappearing down the hall.

Three days later Hermann was gone.

/

“And what of your lab partner Doctor Hermann Gottlieb? I’ve heard that he participated with you in the second drift. Is this true?”

Newt choked. The gears in his brain abruptly seized and he was left fumbling over his words. He felt like an idiot. All around him excited reporters were ready to bounce on the first coherent sentence he could form. They pressed up against him, caging him in with their hungry gazes.

Newt prior to Pitfall would have loved this. It would have been just one more thing to add to his already inflated ego. He would have been flaunting his brilliance and flashing his tattoos like the rock star he'd always wanted to be. But the Newt right now was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. The more they pushed for answers the more he felt like his legs were going to buckle from beneath him.

“That’s enough questions for today. Please excuse Dr. Geiszler and myself, thank you.”

Newt was vaguely aware that Mako was guiding him away from the madness and toward the exit but his mind was stuck on that last reporters question. When they were finally clear of blinding flashes Mako turned Newt to face her.

“Are you feeling alright?” She asked, face skewed with worry.

Newt leaned back against the wall and laughed awkwardly, “No, yeah. I’m fine. I guess my lack of sleep is just catching up with me.”

Mako’s fingers brushed against the sleeve of his jacket. Newt flinched at the touch.

“Nightmares again?”

“Yeah.” Because Mako didn’t need to know that Newt’s mind had been stuck on _Hermann, Hermann, Hermann_ for the past week.

And really, it wasn’t a lie. As of late Newt's mind had been riddled with monsters from the deep.

In his dreams he was always sinking in a sea of luminous blue figures. They would tear at his body and whisper destructive thoughts in his ears. When he'd awake the taste of salt water would be so overwhelming he'd grab the closest bin and vomit. Days like that he'd wonder if Hermann could sleep soundly with all those monsters rattling around in his–

“Have you talked to Hermann about it?”

Mako clenched Newt’s sleeve so hard he was jolted from his trance. Newt pushed her hand off and ran his fingers through his hair. He sighed and shook his head vigorously, like he was trying to shake off Hermann's name.

“You know I haven’t talked to him since he left the dome. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Newt, what happened?”

Newt's glasses slide down the bridge of his nose as he gazed at Mako sadly.

"I won."

/

Newt spent the first two months after Pitfall touring alongside the rest of PPDC. For the most part he could keep the nightmares from interfering with his daily life through distractions. There was always someone to talk to or something to do. The monsters in his brain were just an inconvenience. And Hermann (for now) was just a bad memory.

But then the touring stopped. The members of the resistance said their farewells and went their separate ways.

Mako had been the one to take Newt to the airport. She'd almost made him miss his flight with the way she was fussing over him. Newt laughed and ruffled her hair, promising to call her once he landed. There were tears forming in the corner of her eyes as she quickly engulfed him in a tight hug. Newt's feet rose from the floor and he patted her back weakly.

"Be good to yourself Newton..." she mumbled into his hair.

Newt bit his lip, "You too Mako."

They exchanged one last goodbye before Newt filed into security.

/

Newt spent the next month attempting to get a handle on his ever slipping sanity. But without anything to distract him the kaiju's presence became evident.

When Newt would get ready for work, he'd look in his bathroom mirror and find that the creatures tattooed across his chest were _moving_ . They would wind themselves around his throat and squeeze till Newt began to choke. He would claw the designs till his nails left bright red marks across the colors and the tightness in his throat seized. Only than would he realize that he really wasn't being choked, it was just his mind playing tricks.

And it only got worse from there.

By the time the fourth month rolled by his mind decided it was time to face up to what happened after Pitfall.

Hermann.

Newt swore he could hear the faint echo of Hermann's cane everywhere. He'd be working at his desk or cooking and suddenly his ears would be filled with that familiar _tap, tap, tap_. It made concentrating almost impossible.

Than came the hallucinations, the pale outline of Hermann in the blur of crowds. He'd always have that same look he gave Newt after punching him in the face. Angry and betrayed with a little bit of hurt hiding behind his eyes. Newt's heart would drop and his body would shake. He'd push and shove his way through the crowd till he could no longer feel the mans presence. The panic building up in his chest would fizzle and die, leaving Newt utterly exhausted.

Five months and Newt had completely unraveled. A good nights sleep was rare and his work ethic was beginning to dwindle.

That's why it was no surprise to find Newt stumbling into a cheap bar late after work. Newt sat in the corner where no one was around. There was a steady pain building between his eyes and it left him feel lightheaded. He tipped his drink back and prayed it’d dull the pain.

The televisions around the bar were playing the last inning of the Patriots game. Newt watched lazily as the teams ran and wrestled back and forth across the field. In his half buzzed state it was _almost_ interesting to watch. He never liked sports but the noise distracted him from his building headache.

But then the commentator was yelling _"And the Patriots score the winning touchdown!"_ and the bar exploded. Newt leaned over the table and buried his face in his arms. He pressed his hands against his ears, trying to block out the noise.

/

The breaking point came six months after the breach had closed.

Newt was sprawled out on his couch, clicking mindlessly through the channels. These days he rarely left the safety of his tiny apartment. If he wasn't working he found it easier to wallow in solitude.

_"So Dr. Gottlieb, how does it feel to have helped stop the impending destruction of earth?"_

Newt's hand froze. He could barely believe it, Hermann Gottlieb was on _his_ television. That stuffy, ill tempered mathematician was actually taking part in an interview that was being broadcasted across the whole world.

Newt's body gravitated toward the screen till his knees hit the coffee table. Hermann looked...good. He was wearing some new suit that fit him well and helped hide his terrible posture. His stupid military styled haircut was slicked back and he was passing his cane back and forth between his fingers.

" _Yes well, I was just doing my part to ensure the success of the mission. I'm just relieved that we were able to reach Gypsy Danger and Striker Eureka in time."_

Hearing that voice after so long was like finally finding water in an otherwise barren desert. It filled his stomach with something other than anxiety, something warm he couldn't put his finger on.

Newt pulled his laptop out and began searching up the earliest flights departing from Logan Airport.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time since I've done this. Writing is not my area of expertise but I've been part of this fandom for over a year and thought it was about time I took a shot at writing a fic. This turned out way darker than I originally planned so sorry for that hahaha. But hey! I guess that's just part of the process. I promise the next chapter will be much happier (hopefully) and feature more Hermann. Please excuse run on sentences and grammatical mistakes. This is unbeta'd because I write this shit in secret.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Words don't have the power to hurt you, unless that person meant more to you than you are willing to confess."_

Shannon L. Alder

The flight to England took forever.

It was a true test of Newt's patience and he was failing miserably. After about an hour of trying to work on notes for his next set of lectures he shoved the notebook back into his bag angrily. He couldn't focus. Usually he worked in an open area where he could wonder around and talk aloud. But in the small space between the side of the plane and the woman sleeping to his left he could barely move.

In hopes of distracting himself from his ever dwindling patience Newt turned to playing games on his tablet. That didn't last much longer for he found he bored quickly. He guessed he had Hermann to blame for that. Prior to Pitfall Newt could play card games or work through mind puzzles for hours. But now as he prodded at his tablet he could see the patterns in his head and it took all the fun out of playing. 

Newt turned to face the window miserably, looking out into the darkening sky. He could see the faint shape of his face reflecting back at him and he frowned promptly.

The drift had left an imprint in the back of his skull of not only the kaiju but of Hermann. His lab partners memories weren't nearly as prevalent as the monsters but they were still there. Sometimes Newt could pull vague memories of places he'd never been or things he'd never done:

_He built model rockets in a house he'd never lived in. He got bullied by kids he'd never met. He was diagnosed with a disease he'd never had and kissed a woman in a church he'd never loved._

Newt found the closer he got to his destination, the stronger the memories became. He ran his hand across the cheek Hermann had punched and wondered if he could feel it too.

/

Newt almost backed out when he got to Hermann's apartment. He stood frozen in front of the place for at least ten minutes before actually knocking. Through the door he could hear a muffled voice calling out before it opened and there he was. Hermann Gottlieb, in the flesh. Newt swore his heart stopped for a second.

He stared blankly at Hermann, mouth opened as if to say something but nothing came out. Every word he'd memorized beforehand promptly vanished from memory. Hermann took a few seconds to register what was going on before attempting to shut the door in his face.

"Hey, woah! Wait a moment dude!" Newt said as he scrambled to keep the door open. Hermann hunched behind the half shut door with his hands gripping the side so hard his knuckles were turning white. 

"What do you want." he spat.

"I came to...I just..." Oh God what made him think this was a good idea? 

"If you came here to sputter at my door step you might as well leave."

"I'm sorry, I mean...wow its been so long. You look good." _Fuck._ Newt mentally slapped himself, that was not an appropriate thing to say to someone you wanted to make up with. Hermann frowned and shuffled farther behind the door like a hermit. The tension between the two scientist was so thick Newt could taste it in the air. It made his stomach turn and his throat dry.

"Okay listen, I came to talk. I promise I'll leave if you just let me say what I came here to say."

Silence.

"Dude I just flew for over ten hours to see you. Please. Just give me a few minutes..." 

Hermann took a moment to quietly mule over the request before deciding to let him in. Newt scrambled into the apartment awkwardly, knocking his shoulder on the door frame as he came in. Hermann was looking at him with the most disgusted face he could muster and it only made Newt more anxious. 

"Say what you need to say and get out." Hermann stated plainly.

"Are you sure you don't want to like...sit down?" Newt said, gesturing to the couch just a few feet away from them. Hermann scoffed.

"Be grateful I'm even letting you into my home."

There was nothing to say to that so Newt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was now or never.

"I came to apologize."

"Oh really? How charming." Hermann mocked coldly. The sarcasm hit Newt like a ton of bricks.

"No, listen. What I said on that tape was fucking stupid. It was just in the heat of the moment. The world was ending, we were losing, no one would listen to me. I just...I couldn't deal with having my ideas pushed aside like they were nothing anymore. I hated people thinking I was just some crazy fanatic. But I didn't mean to hurt you, honestly. You have to know that. I mean after everything we've accomplished together I..."

"Really?" Hermann cut off Newt mid sentence, filling the space between them with his anger. "Don't give me that bullshit. You knew the risk of what you were doing. Your theories and ideas have nothing to do with what happened. We may have had our differences Newton but I would have  _never_ hurt you that way. You said it would be  _my_ fault if you died!"

Newt tried to get a word or two in but Hermann wouldn't let him. 

"Do you have a sympathetic bone in your body? Do you really not understand the weight your words can have on someone? Do you know how that recording made me _feel_."

Everything was suddenly closing in on Newt and he could feel the start of an attack building in his gut. This was the dumbest idea ever. Seeing Hermann didn't fix anything. It just made him feel a million times worse.

"Hermann, please I..."

"No Newton, you don't get to just  _apologize._ What you said can't be taken back." Hermann snapped. "Now get out of my house."

"Can't I–"

Hermann's cane clattered to the floor and his hands shot up to grip Newt's collar, pulling him up so their faces were only centimeters apart. 

"Just  _shut up_  and leave Newton."

His voice burned. It filled Newt's chest with panic. He couldn't leave like this. If Hermann couldn't forgive him the monsters in his head would surely kill him. 

"Please..." Newt begged.

There was a strange flicker behind Hermann's eyes just before Newt felt his head hit the door with a loud thud. When he opened his eyes he swore he saw stars. The fuzzy outline of Hermann was leaning in, hands tugging tightly on Newt's collar. Then suddenly Hermann's lips were pressing against his and Newt let out an audible yelp. His hands dangled in the air helplessly as Hermann went about kissing him.

He was not expecting this. Nasty words being thrown at him, sure. Another punch in the face, probably. Being completely and utterly devoured by his old lab partner's mouth, absolutely not.

When Hermann pulled back his face was positively red. He stared at Newt with an expression he had never seen. Then when it dawned on Hermann what he'd just done he stumbled backwards, sputtering incoherently. Though without his cane to support his leg he began to fall. Newt caught him around the waist and drew him back up into a standing position. Hermann refused to meet Newt's gaze, instead staring straight down at his feet. The gears in Newt's brain were not moving. Strange emotions were flooding his mind that he was sure weren't his own. They were warm and longing and very embarrassed. 

Newt suddenly felt the man trying to pry himself away from his grip. He tugged tighter around Hermann's waist and whispered, "You...you dropped your cane..."

There was no response so Newt took it upon himself to crouch down and scoop Hermann's cane off the floor. When he rose he placed the cane in Hermann's tense hands and said something he thought he'd never say to Hermann in his life.

"I'm confused." 

Hermann still said nothing. He just moved back so Newt had enough space to turn, open the door, and leave. But Newt could see right through him. The man was doing a terrible job trying to rebuild his walls but the anger that had kept them up had simmered off, exposing something raw and vulnerable. 

Newt had no idea what to do but he knew he could just  _leave_  after what had happened. 

"Um, well...look, I'm gonna be here fore  a few more days and maybe we can like...get together and talk? I mean..." Newt said gesturing wildly with his hands, feeling more nervous than ever. 

"Okay," was the first word to come out of Hermann's mouth since the kiss.  

"Okay? Okay!" Newt took it without a second thought, "Do you have a pen? I'll give you my number." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry this took a while. I just meant for this to be two chapters but I ended up having to add one due to the length. I'm so picky when it comes to how I format stories. Anyway I hope you enjoy what I have so far. The hardest thing for me is to write conversations so excuse the choppiness. Again I write this all on my own so there maybe run-on sentences and grammatical mistakes.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave."_

Indira Gandhi

Newt was in a pub.

Three days had past since he'd shown up at Hermann's doorstep and got a mouth full of tongue instead of the forgiveness he was seeking. He highly suspected Hermann wasn't going to call him with an explanation and honestly, Newt understood. With his motor mouth and Hermann's pent up anger the kiss had to have been a mistake. It certainly couldn't have been for the reasons Newt secretly wished for.

None the less the music drowned out the tension building in his gut and the alcohol soothed the voices in his head. As the days passed it was getting harder and harder to decipher where his thoughts ended and the kaijus began. At this point Newt could care less which one was stronger. If the kaiju were to take control of his mind he'd happily accept, at least then the crushing guilt he felt would be gone.

Drinks were accumulating at a disgustingly fast rate. Every time the bartender brought another he gave Newt this worried look, brows furrowed and everything. He should be worried. If Newt had it his way he'd drink himself into oblivion.

Newt sighed dramatically and dug his phone out of his pocket. He wanted nothing more than to smash the stupid thing to bits against the table but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. There was still a tiny sliver of hope that Hermann would call and everything would be okay and they could go back to being frienemies and...

_Bzzzzz._

Newt almost fell back in his chair in shock. His hand shot up to his ear immediately to answer the call.

"Hello!?"

_"Oh...Newton. Is this you?"_

Suddenly his mouth went dry. This was definitely Hermann Gottlieb calling him.

"Yeah its me. Man I...I didn't think you were going to call." Newt's voice cracked as he spoke and he tried to mask it with a nervous laugh.

 _"Ah...yes. I just couldn't seem to find a time to call you."_ Hermann replied nervously.

"No its all good."

_"Are you still in town?"_

Newt's stomach flipped. "Umm...yeah. I was planning on staying a another day or two."

 _"In that case would you be willing to meet with me? I feel I have some explaining to do."_ Hermann said quickly. A terribly awkward squeak left Newt's mouth before he could stop himself, "Sure. Yeah. Totally. Where?"

Silence followed Newt's little outburst before Hermann quickly mumbled into the phone, _"Tomorrow. I'll send you the address and time. Is that fine with you?"_

"Sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

_"Yes...goodnight Newton."_

"Night." Newt choked.

When Hermann hung up Newt dropped his phone onto the table, ran to the bathroom and promptly threw up.

/

Newt sat anxiously on a small park bench, well hidden from the students spilling out from the campus not far from where he was. His hands were clammy and he could feel his shirt sticking to his sweaty skin.

Hermann was late.

As long as Newt had known the mathematician he had never been anything _but_ punctual. The first time Newt met him he went off on Newt for being ten minutes late.

Newt leaned over and pressed his fingers under his glasses, groaning. He was so distracted by his own misery that he didn't notice Hermann come into view. The tapping of his cane jolted Newt right out of his trance. His head shot up too quickly and his glasses went flying in Hermann's direction. They hit his chest and clattered to the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry..." Newt moaned.

Hermann just gave him one of his lopsided frowns and crouched down to grab his glasses, ignoring Newt's protests as he did so. He rose, placed the glasses in Newt's fumbling hands, and stepped back.

Suddenly Newt could see how uncomfortable the man was.

"There is no need to apologize Newton. If anything I am the one who should be saying I'm sorry. I got distracted by work and lost track of time."

"I didn't even realize you were late." Newt said, trying but failing to mask his nerves. Hermann said nothing in return, which made Newt feel worse. His heart was hammering against his chest violently and his mind was a mess. Newt quickly blurted out whether Hermann would like to sit on the bench while gesturing erratically at the empty space next to him. Hermann just nodded and sat himself on the far end of the bench. Newt plopped back down, making sure to give him as much space as possible.

" _Soooo..._ " Newt said, dragging out the word to fill the awkward silence that was bristling around them.

"I guess I have some explaining to do don't I?" Hermann was looking anywhere but at Newt, face pale and hands nervously playing with the handle of his cane. Newt just stared at him, not knowing what he was suppose to say.

"What happened that day...it was a mistake." Herman began. "I didn't mean for it to go down the way it did. You just...I mean...I wasn't trying to take advantage of you or anything like that. Believe me. You just made me so angry I couldn't think straight and then I–"

"Kissed me." Newt said, saying the one word that seemed to evade Hermann's vocabulary. The man scowled, as if the word had somehow offended him.

In the back of Newt's mind he felt strange tingling sensation. It was similar to the one he'd sensed after Hermann had kissed him. But this time the feeling was stronger. Newt suddenly felt a burst of desire going through his body.

Oh god.

Newt glued his mouth shut and waited for Hermann to say something. He could feel his own cheeks beginning to redden at the sensation of feeling Hermann's emotions. He looked down at his own hands and took a deep breath. It wasn't like he had anything more to loose.

"I didn't mind it." Newt stated abruptly. He could feel the rippling effect of Hermann's heart rapidly beating in his head. Weird.

"Excuse me."

"I said I didn't mind it." Newt ventured. "And ya'know what Hermann? I think you _did_ mean to kiss me. I think you had wanted to do that for a while."

Hermann scoffed, obviously trying to cover his ever growing anxiety, "Cocky as ever aren't we Dr. Geiszler."

Newt laughed stupidly at Hermann's remark. "Ha, very funny," he mocked though there was no venom behind his words. "But really, you must feel it too, this connection. It's like the neural bridge is somehow still intact. Sometimes I get these waves of emotions or memories out of the blue that aren't my own _..._ so they must be yours."

Hermann opened his mouth to protest but found he was lost for words. He pressed his lips together in frustration, face turning bright red.

Newt glanced down at Hermann's hand that was resting on the bench and slowly slid his own so it was brushing against Hermann's. Newt was surprised to feel Hermann tilt his hand so that he could slot their hands together easily. Newt turned his body so he was facing Hermann straight on. He pulled their intertwine hands up to his chest and held them there. Looking Hermann straight in the face he began to speak.

"You have to know how I feel about you. You must feel it, like I can feel your emotions. I know how much I hurt you with everything that happened after Pitfall and I'm sorry for that. I really am. What I said was idiotic and beyond egotistical. I just...I just don't know how I can live without  _you._ When you left I felt like I'd lost a part of myself. I was going mad. There aren't words to describe how sorry I am, for _everything_."

The look on Hermann's face was unforgettable. A buzz, much like being high, flooded Newt's brain. Hermann pulled his hand out from Newt's grip and cupped his cheek warmly.

"Oh Newton," He sighed painfully.

"Please say you forgive me."

Hermann leaned over tell their foreheads tapped against each other and murmured under his breath "I forgive you."

The words rung in Newt's ears like the alarms back at the Shatterdome. He wound his arms tight around Hermann, buried his face in his shoulder, and let out a deep sob. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nghhhhh this took fucking forever! Oh my godddddddd I've never struggled so much /sobs  
> This chapter isn't the best but I finished it and that's all that matters. It turned out disgustingly cute in the end. Whatever. I hope you enjoyed the ride none the less! Thank you so much for taking part in my silly, self indulgent fanfic about my favorite scientists.


End file.
